Eskişehir, Türkiye
Thursday 28 March 2024
“Arnold Bennett died last night, which leaves me sadder than I should have supposed.
A loveable genuine man, somehow a little awkward in life, well meaning, ponderous, kindly, coarse, knowing he was coarse, dimly floundering and feeling for something else, glutted with success, wounded in his feelings and thick-lipped, prosaic intolerably, rather dignified, set upon writing, yet always taken in, deluded by splendour and success, but naive, an old bore, an egoist, much at the mercy of life for all his competence, a shopkeeper’s view of literature, yet with the rudiments, covered over with fat and prosperity and the desire for hideous Empire furniture, of sensibility.
Some real understanding of power, as well as a giantic absorbing power.
These are the sort of things that I think by fits and starts this morning, as I sit journalizing.
I remember his determination to write 1,000 words daily and how he trotted off to do it that night and feel some sorrow that now he will never sit down and begin methodically covering his regulation number of pages in his workmanlike beautiful but dull hand.
Queer how one regrets the disperal of anybody who seemed – as I say – genuine, who had direct contact with life – for he abused me and I yet rather wished him to go on abusing me and me abusing him.
An element of life – even in mine that was so remote – taken away.
This is what one minds.”
(28 March 1931, Virginia Woolf)
Above: English writer Virginia Woolf (1882 – 1941)
How well did Woolf really know Bennett?
Would he have agreed with her assessments of him?
Would he have wished to be remembered in this manner?
As I write these words, I consider their folly
He could not possibly know or care about how others felt about him once he was dead.
Is there life after death?
Do our souls live beyond our bodies?
I have neither opinion nor hope that there is more than my perception of this moment.
My attitude toward an afterlife is similar to that of the existence of God.
I can neither prove nor disapprove that either an afterlife or God exist.
I choose to focus on that of which I am certain.
Did Virginia reveal to Arnold how she felt about him while he was awhile?
Did she admit her feelings to anyone other than her private diary?
Above: English writer Arnold Bennett (1867 – 1931)
If we spent more time expressing our love for those who live rather than regret the absence of this expression after our loved ones have died then perhaps each and every one of us would feel a reason to live our lives joyfully and abundantly.
The fact is in the end we all become stories.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
But also words to words.
Writing doesn’t get much more meaningful than the revelation of a person’s life and their meaning to us in the stories we tell about them.
There’s nothing quite so moving that truly captures and honors the spirit of the deceased.
.Stories that are unafraid to let the person’s personality shine.
Craft your own obituary –– in advance.
Write your own legacy.
Write your own story.
When we connect with the idea that life is not limitless, we realize that we need to make the most out of our time.
This exercise will help you live your life the way you want to be remembered.
You can also use the obituary exercise to uncover your purpose.
Writing your own obituary is a very straightforward exercise.
This activity is about reconnecting with what really matters to us.
Usually, when people get closer to their death, they begin to worry about what they didn’t achieve and what they do with the time that’s left.
The purpose of this obituary exercise is to uncover what’s really important to you –– hopefully, long before your end.
Use it as a guiding principle for your life.
Live the way you want to be remembered.
Don’t let others choose the words of your obituary.
Let your acts and legacy pen it instead.
Start by writing your name the way you’d like it to look on your tombstone.
In one line, how did you make the world a better place?
Be concise.
The more focused, the more honest you’ll be with yourself.
Write down how people will remember you.
Avoid pompous language.
Stick to the tone and words that regular people would use — especially those who know you well.
The why is essential (once again, you don’t need the full laundry list).
This part requires more introspection.
Look yourself into the mirror and answer this unfiltered:
“Who was the real you?”
Not your masks or costumes, not your job or titles or roles.
What was your essence?
What made you unique?
Saying ‘yes’ is easy.
What we say ‘no’ to defines who we really are.
Which was in your case?
What were the ‘temptations’ distractions, or possibilities that you said ‘no’ to because they would derail you from achieving your goals?
Who will miss you the most?
This seems easy, but it’s not.
The answer is not about what you wish, but trying to understand who will really miss you.
A lot of people (hopefully) will for sure.
But who were those people to whom you meant something special?
Once again, avoid judging yourself.
Being honest is what makes this exercise meaningful.
Now it’s time to be creative.
Now it’s time to bring your epitaph to life.
Write down in one or two paragraphs the words that you would love someone to say about you once you departed.
This is the most critical part of the exercise.
Connect with your true essence, not your vanity.
Go ahead and craft yours.
Share your thoughts.
What did you learn about yourself by doing this exercise?
How would you define your relationship with death?
Great endings make us remember a movie forever.
In our lives, we avoid writing that last episode.
We celebrate life.
But death feels dark and sad.
As the great philosopher Thomas Nagel asks:
“If death is the permanent end of our existence, is it evil?”
Literature has played an influential role in portraying death as something evil — because it deprives us of life.
But as Nagel explains, in the case of death, there’s no subject to suffer harm.
As long as a person exists, he has not yet died.
Once he dies, he no longer exists.
Thus, there’s no evil that death can cause that person.
Above: American philosopher Thomas Nagel
You might think this is too rational.
Or that it lacks compassion to those who lost their loved ones.
But, that is the paradox of death:
Those who mourn the dead are alive.
We can either hold onto sadness or turn that loss into something meaningful.
One of my friends passed away last year.
Losing a friend hurts deeply.
But it’s irreversible.
When I miss him, I feel sad, but it also reminds me to celebrate life.
He deserves that respect.
I’m not just saying, “seize the day”.
Live your life with a purpose.
Instead of trying to hold onto life forever, embrace its ephemerality.
What if we see life as a preparation for dying?
When death knocks on your door, be ready to leave.
Live without regrets.
When you stop portraying death as evil, you’ll start enjoying living.
Western civilization fears death.
That’s because we’ve been taught to hold on to things.
In our material world, life has become a possession too.
And we cannot let go of it.
Interestingly enough, when someone dies, even the most religious folks feel sad.
We hold onto life as a material property, thus blinding our spiritual beliefs.
Let go of living.
It is not a possession.
You can’t control how long you live.
But you manage how you will live in what time remains.
Come to terms with death.
Being afraid of death won’t let you make the most of your life.
“Analysis of death is not for the sake of becoming fearful but to appreciate this precious lifetime.”
(Dalai Lama)
Above: Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
When we fear death, we stop living.
We like to feel invincible or immortal for that matter.
But not thinking about death won’t make your life last forever.
It takes guts to confront this vulnerable truth:
The only sure thing is how uncertain life is.
We avoid thinking about death, yet we fear it in silence.
Keeping the “What if I die tomorrow?” question present will free you from that worry that exists at a subconscious level.
Imagine you have 10 minutes to live, what would you do?
And ten days?
And ten months?
And ten years?
And the rest of your life?
We take time for granted.
But when the end is around the corner, we regret our assumptions.
Some folks feel guilty for what they haven’t done (e.g., not saying“I love you” or “sorry” more often).
Some people get anxious about finishing (or starting) their most valuable project.
Everyone agrees that they want to spend their last 10 minutes with their close family.
The premise of confronting our (future) death is a powerful reflection on how we are living.
The purpose of this exercise is to stop taking life for granted.
Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.
Adding a sense of urgency to your life makes you focus on what really matters.
Spend your energy doing something worthy of your time on Earth.
Buddhism promotes meditating on death and dying as a way to embrace it and prepare in advance.
Most people find this idea absurd.
But ignoring your worries won’t make ‘death’ disappear.
Life is too short.
Death can happen anytime.
You don’t know when.
As we get older, we know we don’t have much time left.
So, the time goes fast.
Death’s going to happen sooner or later.
Death is both inevitable and uncertain.
We know it will happen, but we don’t know when.
Our human body — our whole existence — is very fragile.
Spiritual practice can train our mind to accept that truth instead of being in denial.
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forever. “
(Mahatma Gandhi)
Above: Indian political activist Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948)
Live the way you want to be remembered.
Don’t let others choose the words of your obituary.
Let your acts and legacy pen it instead.
Writing your own obituary is not easy.
Thinking about your death is moving.
But it’s a great path to reconnect with the imprint you want to leave once you say goodbye for the last time.
Go on.
Write your own obituary.
Don’t take yourself too seriously.
If you are humorous, let your epitaph be fun also.
Go ahead, and do yours.
Share your thoughts.
What did you learn about yourself by doing this exercise?
How would you define your relationship with death?
Thinking about your death may be particularly difficult.
Death is a natural part of life, but most of us live in a death-denying bubble.
We find it difficult to contemplate our own death and fear for the death of loved ones.
Put aside your fears for a few minutes.
Imagine that you will die within one year and answer the following prompts:
- The first person I would tell is….
- There are several things I would do during the one year. They include…
Have you considered doing any of these things even if you are in good health now?
You are alive NOW.
Act NOW.
While you still can.
Sources
- https://fearlessculture.design/blog-posts/why-accepting-death-will-make-you-worry-less/
- The Assassin’s Cloak, edited by Irene and Alan Taylor
- Pearl, The Gawain Poet
- Metamorphoses, Ovid